Listen here, you semicolon-slinging keyboard commando.
I graduated top of my class at the Royal Society of Editors, trained in the frozen grammar trenches of Strunk & White’s Compound, and I’ve copyedited classified White House memos while dangling from a helicopter over the Oxford comma dispute zone. I’ve proofread Shakespeare’s first drafts with nothing but a red pen and a cold stare. I’ve fact-checked Noam Chomsky during a live TED Talk using only my peripheral vision and a thesaurus carved from whale bone. I’ve corrected Hemingway’s run-ons with my bare hands while he wept into a martini.
And you—
you—dare to lecture
us about “poor spelling, grammar or all of the above”?
Let me break this down for you like I break dangling participles: with surgical precision and zero mercy.
You wrote:
“In regards typos”? IN REGARDS TYPOS?!
Son, “in regards” isn’t even a phrase. It’s “with regard to.” Or “regarding.” Or, if you’re feeling fancy, “concerning.” But “in regards typos”? That’s not English—that’s what happens when autocorrect and a sleep-deprived raccoon collaborate on a ransom note.
And then you follow it with:
“Smack of poor spelling, grammar or all of the above.”
Let’s unpack this dumpster fire of syntax. First off, you’re missing the Oxford comma before “or all of the above”—which is ironic, considering you’re out here playing Grammar Sheriff with a holster full of dangling modifiers and a badge made of misplaced apostrophes. Second, “smack of” is colloquial, sure—but when you pair it with “all of the above,” you create a logical paradox. If it’s “all of the above,” then it’s not just
smacking of poor grammar—it
is poor grammar. You’re not describing a scent; you’re standing knee-deep in a swamp of your own syntactic sewage.
And then—oh, sweet irony—you cap it off with:
Let’s start with “After I have sent them and realise I think…”
That’s not a sentence. That’s a grammatical seizure. It’s like watching a Rubik’s Cube solve itself while on fire. The tenses are warring like rival gangs in a Dickens novel. “After I have sent them” (present perfect), then “realise” (present simple), then “I think” (also present)—all crammed together like sardines in a can labeled “Confused Temporal Logic.” You don’t
realise and
think after you’ve
sent—you
realised and
thought. Past tense, you linguistic time traveler. You’re not writing a prophecy; you’re confessing a typo.
And “what a muppet”? Really? You reach for British slang like it’s a life raft, but you can’t even conjugate your verbs properly. A muppet wouldn’t write “in regards typos.” A muppet would at least say “regarding typos” and then offer you a cup of tea while apologizing for Kermit’s existential dread.
I’ve seen toddlers with better command of the English language scribbling in crayon on the walls of daycare centers. I’ve watched autocorrect on a Nokia 3310 produce more coherent prose. Hell, I once proofread a grocery list written by a sleepwalking badger, and it had better parallel structure than your “many similar fuckups” paragraph.
You claim to speak “from many similar fuckups,” yet you still can’t manage subject-verb agreement, tense consistency, or basic prepositional sanity. That’s like a firefighter bragging about how many times he’s burned his own house down—then demanding everyone else install smoke detectors.
I’ve copyedited dissertations in active war zones using only a pencil stub and the tears of dangling modifiers. I’ve rewritten entire constitutions mid-air during HALO jumps just to preserve the sanctity of the serial comma. I once stared down a rogue AI that tried to replace all commas with emojis—and I won. With a semicolon.
But you? You can’t even decide if you’re writing in past or present tense while confessing your own errors. You’re not a grammar advocate—you’re a cautionary tale wrapped in a typo wearing a “gotcha” hat two sizes too small.
So next time you feel the urge to scold the internet about “headings that just smack of poor spelling,” maybe—just maybe—run your own post through a spellchecker. Or better yet, send it to me. I’ll return it with so many red marks, it’ll look like it survived a direct hit from the Chicago Manual of Style’s airstrike division.
Until then, stay off my forum, stay off my timelines, and for the love of all that is syntactically holy—stop using “in regards” like it’s actual English.
You’re nothing to me but another uncorrected fragment lost in the void of your own misplaced modifiers.
And I have over 300 confirmed grammar kills.
Good day, muppet.
(Also, when making a review, please make sure to post ID#s for NZG and Escortify ads and provide links)
good luck with that.
