How to be the perfect simp: a step by step guide
- 2,933
- 6,304
- 113
I found
step by step guide on how to be the perfect simp so I thought I'd post it here for all the pathetic simps to improve their simpery! 
Follow this guide and I guarantee: you’ll never have to worry about respect, attraction, or self-worth ever again.
Apologise for having an opinion.
Apologise for your height, your job, your existence.
If she doesn’t text you back, apologise for texting.
If she cancels on you last minute, apologise for asking her out.
Even if she’s treating you like dirt, even if she’s ignoring you, even if she hasn’t done a single thing to make you feel good —
Compliment her anyway.
Tell her she’s too good for you.
Tell her you don’t deserve her.
Tell her how lucky you are just to bask in her digital shadow.
Let her cancel plans.
Let her disrespect you.
Let her call you names, ignore you, breadcrumb you.
And when she does, double down.
Say things like:
“It’s okay, I understand you’re busy.”
“You deserve better than me.”
“I’m just happy to be in your life in any way.”
Your job is to be her unpaid therapist.
Her emotional tampon.
Her designated punching bag.
Drop everything when she calls.
Cancel your plans, your sleep, your self-respect — whatever it takes.
Pay for everything.
Buy her gifts she didn’t ask for.
Send her money when she’s “struggling” — even if she’s on holiday with another man.
Bring her kids on holiday while she’s on vacay with said other man.
React to every Instagram story like a trained dog.
Quote-tweet her tweets with heart emojis.
Defend her in arguments with strangers on the internet.
Never question her if she doesn’t post pics and vids of the both of you.
Become her unpaid PR agent.
And when she publicly friendzones you?
Thank her.
Say something like:
“Even being your friend is a blessing.”
He doesn’t build, grow, strive, or lead.
No.
He orbits.
His entire identity revolves around her.
Her moods. Her whims. Her validation.
Your goals? Your hobbies? Your career?
All secondary.
Or standards.
Or a spine.
Your political views? Your ethics? Your personality?
Whatever she wants them to be.
If she says jump, ask how high.
If she says your favourite movie is problematic, burn the DVD.
You have hers.
Emotionally unstable?
A narcissist with a martyr complex?
“You’re perfect the way you are.”
“Anyone who hurt you was evil.”
“You’re never wrong.”
Feed the monster.
Starve yourself.
Never expects kindness, love, or loyalty.
Never expects basic human decency.
A like. A smile. A second of attention.
And when he gets it, he calls it love.
Congratulations, King Simp
You’ve done it.
You’re now officially the King of Simps.
Follow this guide and I guarantee: you’ll never have to worry about respect, attraction, or self-worth ever again.
Step 1: Apologise constantly
Start every sentence with “Sorry, but…”Apologise for having an opinion.
Apologise for your height, your job, your existence.
If she doesn’t text you back, apologise for texting.
If she cancels on you last minute, apologise for asking her out.
Women love a man who acts like he’s inconveniencing them by existing.
Step 2: Shower her with compliments she hasn’t earned
Tell her she’s beautiful every five minutes.Even if she’s treating you like dirt, even if she’s ignoring you, even if she hasn’t done a single thing to make you feel good —
Compliment her anyway.
Tell her she’s too good for you.
Tell her you don’t deserve her.
Tell her how lucky you are just to bask in her digital shadow.
Step 3: Never, ever set boundaries
Let her walk all over you.Let her cancel plans.
Let her disrespect you.
Let her call you names, ignore you, breadcrumb you.
And when she does, double down.
Say things like:
“It’s okay, I understand you’re busy.”
“You deserve better than me.”
“I’m just happy to be in your life in any way.”
Step 4: Make her emotional well-being your full-time job
It doesn’t matter if she cheats, lies, manipulates, or leaves a wake of destruction wherever she goes.Your job is to be her unpaid therapist.
Her emotional tampon.
Her designated punching bag.
Drop everything when she calls.
Cancel your plans, your sleep, your self-respect — whatever it takes.
Step 5: Financially sponsor her lifestyle
Nothing says “perfect simp” like funding her life.Pay for everything.
Buy her gifts she didn’t ask for.
Send her money when she’s “struggling” — even if she’s on holiday with another man.
Bring her kids on holiday while she’s on vacay with said other man.
She’ll really love knowing you’ll reward her bad behaviour.
Step 6: Publicly humiliate yourself
Leave thirsty comments on every selfie.React to every Instagram story like a trained dog.
Quote-tweet her tweets with heart emojis.
Defend her in arguments with strangers on the internet.
Never question her if she doesn’t post pics and vids of the both of you.
Become her unpaid PR agent.
And when she publicly friendzones you?
Thank her.
Say something like:
“Even being your friend is a blessing.”
Step 7: Kill your own ambition
A perfect simp doesn’t focus on himself.He doesn’t build, grow, strive, or lead.
No.
He orbits.
His entire identity revolves around her.
Her moods. Her whims. Her validation.
Your goals? Your hobbies? Your career?
All secondary.
Step 8: Make her your moral compass
You’re not allowed to have opinions.Or standards.
Or a spine.
Your political views? Your ethics? Your personality?
Whatever she wants them to be.
If she says jump, ask how high.
If she says your favourite movie is problematic, burn the DVD.
You don’t need an identity.
You have hers.
Step 9: Validate her delusions
Is she toxic?Emotionally unstable?
A narcissist with a martyr complex?
Tell her:
“You’re perfect the way you are.”
“Anyone who hurt you was evil.”
“You’re never wrong.”
Feed the monster.
Starve yourself.
Step 10: Hope for crumbs
The perfect simp never expects reciprocity.Never expects kindness, love, or loyalty.
Never expects basic human decency.
For a text.
A like. A smile. A second of attention.
And when he gets it, he calls it love.
Congratulations, King Simp 
You’ve done it.You’re now officially the King of Simps.
Keep them coming HAHAHA
