My Ukranian Bride punt
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This is quite a long post, but for those who are interested, here’s my story of doing the Ukrainian bride thing.
It was 2011.
It went through a NZ agency, a one man operation. He’d done the whole thing himself and got himself a Ukranian Bride. So decided to start up his own agency. I was very dubious. Paranoid about a scam. Spoke to the guy for about 45 minutes on the phone learning about it. Did some digging and saw he’d been active in trying to expose scam agencies. He’d been on TV about his agency where he was interviewed. I even exchanged emails with one of his clients who had successfully gone through the process and brought a woman over from Ukraine.
Seemed legit.
I had a choice of women I could contact. He recommended I went with just one because they can get jealous. So I figured, yeah, I’ll stick with one because I’d be uncomfortable juggling more than one. (in hindsight I think it would have been better if I’d arranged to see at least 2).
So I exchanged letters with her and did a couple of video chats. All at cost of course but not horrendous.
The agency owner takes groups over himself. But I needed to go at a different time so I couldn’t join his group. So I travelled on my own. Big mistake.
Zaporizhzhia was my destination. I was exhausted when I finally arrived at Donetsk Airport. 3.5 hr drive from Zap.
It was there at the airport that I got my first taste of corrupt officials. They detained me and this other guy from Italy. Saying we didn’t have the proper papers. Threatening to send us both back to where we came from.
This was bullshit. No such papers were needed. Fortunately the agency came through for me and sorted it out but not after about 2 or 3 hours of me sitting around there waiting.
But anyway, I finally get out of there. My taxi driver is from the agency. Nice guy. English rudimentary. 3.5 hour drive over the worst roads ever with potholes galore. We were crawling along. The most frustrating thing for me was it was night. And if I hadn’t been detained by the bastards at the airport I would have been looking at the country side and streets in daylight. So I felt robbed.
The apartment they took me to was this terrible rundown old piece of crap. Former soviet apartment buildings built during WW2 with bomb shelters that were now full of crap or used for storage. Really crappy stair cases going up. Paint peeling. Things falling apart. But the inside of the apartment was beautiful and my interpreter lady was there to meet me. Quite a nice looker herself.
The next day she came by and took me to a supermarket full of super models serving you. I’m not kidding! Almost every young woman I saw in Zap was fucking gorgeous! All slim with nice figures. But plenty of stereotypical fat older women who look like something out of Last of the Summer Wine.
Then I went to the agency to meet Svetlana for the first time. Yeah, every third or fourth woman in Ukraine is called Svetlana! Her English was pretty much non existant so I had to rely on the interpreter. But she was gorgeous. Way hotter and way prettier than her photographs and what I saw on video chats.
The agency was great. They were always available. The taxi driver would turn up to pick me up at the drop of a hat - any time - and it was cheap. Everything was cheap including the food and beer.
So each day the taxi driver and the interpreter would pick me up and we’d go to Sveta’s house to pick her up. This is in the middle of the city but her house is up this windy dirt road to a heap of really crappy run down old houses. But she was always dressed immaculately and stylish.
I usually only had the interpreter around for say an hour each day. I couldn’t afford to have her there all the time.
Usually Sveta and I would be dropped off somewhere like a park , museum and even my apartment and we’d just do the best we could communicating with each other. We did things like go playing pool, and stuff. Watch a DVD with subtitles on it. There was even this really bizarre circus which had a hyena act and cats that were trained to do tricks. Seriously! Performing cats! How the fuck they trained those cats I have no idea. We also went to a Cossack village – like a touristy thing) and a horse riding show which was entertaining and hilarious even though it was all spoken in Russian.
Packs of dogs roamed around the parks but they didn’t seem to bother anyone. The streets were crappy with potholes. Even dirt roads in the middle of the city.
Sveta was a cook and had taken time off work to spend with me (at least that was her claim). She had a kid and lived with her mother. I never got to meet them.. Never went in. Sveta didn’t want to introduce me to them this trip. Maybe the next trip.
This was when things started to become very iffy for me. This wasn’t just going to be one trip to see her, get to know her and then have her come to NZ. This was going to take a few trips and maybe she’d come to visit me in NZ. But this was all going to be at MY expense. I guess maybe I had some unrealistic expectations.
But I guess, you can’t expect to fall in love on one visit right? I knew that.
So I was realising that this was becoming a really expensive coffee date. And I was paying for everything. I mean, I expected that and it was all dirt cheap. She was fun, affectionate. Kissed a bit and hugged a little. Held hands, arm around her. No make out sessions. We hadn’t had sex yet and I wasn't pushing anything even though I was hoping for it.
But she’d never look me in the eye for long. That bothered me. She smiled a lot. But the eye contact wasn’t there and it had me worrying. Was I being scammed? Or maybe the chemistry just wasn’t there and she wasn’t that into me? Maybe I wasn’t her type?
And then the interpreter tells me, Svetlana will be staying at my apartment for the next two nights. YES!
So there we were. There’s only the one bed. This is surely a sex date. Has to be, right? So I figure, hell I’m going for it, so start coming onto her. She seemed fine about it and giggled and laughed a lot. Although she seemed a bit hesitant about taking her top off. But in the end it came off. She had one breast slightly larger than the other. Thus the reluctance. But hey, the rest of her was 10 out of 10 and she had a butt to die for.
We ended up having a bath together. Then we’re in the bedroom and I don’t know what I was thinking but I didn’t bring condoms. So we’re going to have sex and she pauses for a moment and manages to communicate. ‘Clean?” or something along those lines. I say “Da”. So she seemed fine with having sex and so we did. No condom.
She was a starfish. I can’t remember exactly what we did. I don’t recall eating her out. I think I remember her giving me blow jobs. It was a lovely couple of nights I had with her.
But as we neared the end of the ten days, I really didn’t feel like she was into me. And still, she wouldn’t look me in the eye for long.
Driving up her street the final time, the radio was playing as it always did. Their radio stations play a lot of famous songs. The song playing on the final leg? No word of a lie “Final Countdown”.
She didn’t seem sad to say goodbye. But she may have been expecting me to continue keep up with the letters and video chats. I’m not sure. But I was already thinking, nah, fuck this.
Anyway, the worst is yet to come.
I catch a bus back to Donetsk because I wanted to do it like the locals and experience some culture. I had to catch a taxi from the Donetsk bus station to the airport and knew the taxi driver was trying to rip me off with his price. (I’d been told how much it should be). But I figured, what the fuck. I just wanted to get to the airport. So I agreed.
I end up back at the airport. I’m really relieved now because I just wanted to get out of Ukraine. I’d had enough and things hadn’t gone as well as I’d hoped. And I had no money left apart from some loose change.
I had another 2 to 3 hour wait for my flight. So I figured I’d spend the bulk of that loose change on a couple of bottles of beer, sit down by the bar and read a book.
About ten minutes later, airport police come to me. Take my bottles off me telling me it’s illegal to drink beer in the airport. But I’m fucking sitting a few meters away from the place I fucking bought it? There’s no signs!
I thought, oh fuck! Corrupt cops.
So they take me down into a room and a cop says I’ve committed a crime and I have to pay a fine. He wanted my camera but I wasn’t fucking giving up that so I just played dumb pretending I didn’t know what he was talking about. Then he takes me to a money machine but I show him I’ve got no money left on my card.
So finally the bastard relents and takes what little change I had left and tells me “no beer! No beer”. (I was glad the taxi driver got my money instead!)
God, was I relieved when that plane turned up and I was on it out of there!
I didn’t take it any further with the Ukrainian bride thing. It was looking like I’d just have to keep putting more and more money into it which I didn’t have. And when I found out the costs of actually getting a girl over here,- the agencies fees – it was a ridiculously absurd amount. So I thought thanks but no thanks.
To this day I wonder whether it was all just a big scam. Get you hooked on some beautiful woman. Get you over there for a holiday. Then all the big charges come. I also wondered whether maybe Svetlana was an escort getting paid a percentage for the apartment, the interpreter etc. Because I’ve heard there are agencies like that in Ukraine where that happens.
No eye contact? Red flag? But then the one breast being smaller than another… would she be an escort if she was so self conscious? Would she have sex without a condom if she were an escort?
She could have been legit and just figured I wasn’t the guy for her. An expensive coffee date?
I still think the agency in NZ was legit. But I’m not sure if the agency in Ukraine was. I guess I’ll never know.
It was 2011.
It went through a NZ agency, a one man operation. He’d done the whole thing himself and got himself a Ukranian Bride. So decided to start up his own agency. I was very dubious. Paranoid about a scam. Spoke to the guy for about 45 minutes on the phone learning about it. Did some digging and saw he’d been active in trying to expose scam agencies. He’d been on TV about his agency where he was interviewed. I even exchanged emails with one of his clients who had successfully gone through the process and brought a woman over from Ukraine.
Seemed legit.
I had a choice of women I could contact. He recommended I went with just one because they can get jealous. So I figured, yeah, I’ll stick with one because I’d be uncomfortable juggling more than one. (in hindsight I think it would have been better if I’d arranged to see at least 2).
So I exchanged letters with her and did a couple of video chats. All at cost of course but not horrendous.
The agency owner takes groups over himself. But I needed to go at a different time so I couldn’t join his group. So I travelled on my own. Big mistake.
Zaporizhzhia was my destination. I was exhausted when I finally arrived at Donetsk Airport. 3.5 hr drive from Zap.
It was there at the airport that I got my first taste of corrupt officials. They detained me and this other guy from Italy. Saying we didn’t have the proper papers. Threatening to send us both back to where we came from.
This was bullshit. No such papers were needed. Fortunately the agency came through for me and sorted it out but not after about 2 or 3 hours of me sitting around there waiting.
But anyway, I finally get out of there. My taxi driver is from the agency. Nice guy. English rudimentary. 3.5 hour drive over the worst roads ever with potholes galore. We were crawling along. The most frustrating thing for me was it was night. And if I hadn’t been detained by the bastards at the airport I would have been looking at the country side and streets in daylight. So I felt robbed.
The apartment they took me to was this terrible rundown old piece of crap. Former soviet apartment buildings built during WW2 with bomb shelters that were now full of crap or used for storage. Really crappy stair cases going up. Paint peeling. Things falling apart. But the inside of the apartment was beautiful and my interpreter lady was there to meet me. Quite a nice looker herself.
The next day she came by and took me to a supermarket full of super models serving you. I’m not kidding! Almost every young woman I saw in Zap was fucking gorgeous! All slim with nice figures. But plenty of stereotypical fat older women who look like something out of Last of the Summer Wine.
Then I went to the agency to meet Svetlana for the first time. Yeah, every third or fourth woman in Ukraine is called Svetlana! Her English was pretty much non existant so I had to rely on the interpreter. But she was gorgeous. Way hotter and way prettier than her photographs and what I saw on video chats.
The agency was great. They were always available. The taxi driver would turn up to pick me up at the drop of a hat - any time - and it was cheap. Everything was cheap including the food and beer.
So each day the taxi driver and the interpreter would pick me up and we’d go to Sveta’s house to pick her up. This is in the middle of the city but her house is up this windy dirt road to a heap of really crappy run down old houses. But she was always dressed immaculately and stylish.
I usually only had the interpreter around for say an hour each day. I couldn’t afford to have her there all the time.
Usually Sveta and I would be dropped off somewhere like a park , museum and even my apartment and we’d just do the best we could communicating with each other. We did things like go playing pool, and stuff. Watch a DVD with subtitles on it. There was even this really bizarre circus which had a hyena act and cats that were trained to do tricks. Seriously! Performing cats! How the fuck they trained those cats I have no idea. We also went to a Cossack village – like a touristy thing) and a horse riding show which was entertaining and hilarious even though it was all spoken in Russian.
Packs of dogs roamed around the parks but they didn’t seem to bother anyone. The streets were crappy with potholes. Even dirt roads in the middle of the city.
Sveta was a cook and had taken time off work to spend with me (at least that was her claim). She had a kid and lived with her mother. I never got to meet them.. Never went in. Sveta didn’t want to introduce me to them this trip. Maybe the next trip.
This was when things started to become very iffy for me. This wasn’t just going to be one trip to see her, get to know her and then have her come to NZ. This was going to take a few trips and maybe she’d come to visit me in NZ. But this was all going to be at MY expense. I guess maybe I had some unrealistic expectations.
But I guess, you can’t expect to fall in love on one visit right? I knew that.
So I was realising that this was becoming a really expensive coffee date. And I was paying for everything. I mean, I expected that and it was all dirt cheap. She was fun, affectionate. Kissed a bit and hugged a little. Held hands, arm around her. No make out sessions. We hadn’t had sex yet and I wasn't pushing anything even though I was hoping for it.
But she’d never look me in the eye for long. That bothered me. She smiled a lot. But the eye contact wasn’t there and it had me worrying. Was I being scammed? Or maybe the chemistry just wasn’t there and she wasn’t that into me? Maybe I wasn’t her type?
And then the interpreter tells me, Svetlana will be staying at my apartment for the next two nights. YES!
So there we were. There’s only the one bed. This is surely a sex date. Has to be, right? So I figure, hell I’m going for it, so start coming onto her. She seemed fine about it and giggled and laughed a lot. Although she seemed a bit hesitant about taking her top off. But in the end it came off. She had one breast slightly larger than the other. Thus the reluctance. But hey, the rest of her was 10 out of 10 and she had a butt to die for.
We ended up having a bath together. Then we’re in the bedroom and I don’t know what I was thinking but I didn’t bring condoms. So we’re going to have sex and she pauses for a moment and manages to communicate. ‘Clean?” or something along those lines. I say “Da”. So she seemed fine with having sex and so we did. No condom.
She was a starfish. I can’t remember exactly what we did. I don’t recall eating her out. I think I remember her giving me blow jobs. It was a lovely couple of nights I had with her.
But as we neared the end of the ten days, I really didn’t feel like she was into me. And still, she wouldn’t look me in the eye for long.
Driving up her street the final time, the radio was playing as it always did. Their radio stations play a lot of famous songs. The song playing on the final leg? No word of a lie “Final Countdown”.
She didn’t seem sad to say goodbye. But she may have been expecting me to continue keep up with the letters and video chats. I’m not sure. But I was already thinking, nah, fuck this.
Anyway, the worst is yet to come.
I catch a bus back to Donetsk because I wanted to do it like the locals and experience some culture. I had to catch a taxi from the Donetsk bus station to the airport and knew the taxi driver was trying to rip me off with his price. (I’d been told how much it should be). But I figured, what the fuck. I just wanted to get to the airport. So I agreed.
I end up back at the airport. I’m really relieved now because I just wanted to get out of Ukraine. I’d had enough and things hadn’t gone as well as I’d hoped. And I had no money left apart from some loose change.
I had another 2 to 3 hour wait for my flight. So I figured I’d spend the bulk of that loose change on a couple of bottles of beer, sit down by the bar and read a book.
About ten minutes later, airport police come to me. Take my bottles off me telling me it’s illegal to drink beer in the airport. But I’m fucking sitting a few meters away from the place I fucking bought it? There’s no signs!
I thought, oh fuck! Corrupt cops.
So they take me down into a room and a cop says I’ve committed a crime and I have to pay a fine. He wanted my camera but I wasn’t fucking giving up that so I just played dumb pretending I didn’t know what he was talking about. Then he takes me to a money machine but I show him I’ve got no money left on my card.
So finally the bastard relents and takes what little change I had left and tells me “no beer! No beer”. (I was glad the taxi driver got my money instead!)
God, was I relieved when that plane turned up and I was on it out of there!
I didn’t take it any further with the Ukrainian bride thing. It was looking like I’d just have to keep putting more and more money into it which I didn’t have. And when I found out the costs of actually getting a girl over here,- the agencies fees – it was a ridiculously absurd amount. So I thought thanks but no thanks.
To this day I wonder whether it was all just a big scam. Get you hooked on some beautiful woman. Get you over there for a holiday. Then all the big charges come. I also wondered whether maybe Svetlana was an escort getting paid a percentage for the apartment, the interpreter etc. Because I’ve heard there are agencies like that in Ukraine where that happens.
No eye contact? Red flag? But then the one breast being smaller than another… would she be an escort if she was so self conscious? Would she have sex without a condom if she were an escort?
She could have been legit and just figured I wasn’t the guy for her. An expensive coffee date?
I still think the agency in NZ was legit. But I’m not sure if the agency in Ukraine was. I guess I’ll never know.
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Damn!
