The Professional Lurker’s Handbook
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Congratulations. You’ve chosen the path of silence, shadows, and screenshots. Here’s how to become a Level 99 forum lurker.
Step 1: Never post
Read everything. Absorb all knowledge. But when it comes to contributing? Nah. Your keyboard exists only for scrolling.
Step 2: Be online 24/7
Always logged in, always watching. If someone checks the “who’s online” list, your name is permanently there, haunting like a ghost.
Step 3: React but never reply
Hit that like button. Drop the occasional emoji. But God forbid you write a sentence. Words are for peasants.
Step 4: Build imaginary friendships
You know everyone’s story. Their favourite girls. Their favourite punts. Their biggest punting regrets. Meanwhile, they don’t even know you exist.
Step 5: Slide into DMs only
Forget the threads. The true art of lurking is dropping a random PM after six months of silence, asking for “recommendations bro.”
Step 6: Quote knowledge like a veteran
In rare moments when you do post, flex with: “Oh yeah, I read about that months ago.” Never share how or where. Keep your lurking mystique.
Step 7: Keep your legend alive
Disappear for weeks. Reappear at 3 AM. Lurk on. Repeat. You are eternal.
If you’ve made it this far and not reacting, congratulations, you’ve graduated from Lurkers University. Celebratory dinner will be held in silence, naturally.
Step 1: Never post
Read everything. Absorb all knowledge. But when it comes to contributing? Nah. Your keyboard exists only for scrolling.
Step 2: Be online 24/7
Always logged in, always watching. If someone checks the “who’s online” list, your name is permanently there, haunting like a ghost.
Step 3: React but never reply
Hit that like button. Drop the occasional emoji. But God forbid you write a sentence. Words are for peasants.
Step 4: Build imaginary friendships
You know everyone’s story. Their favourite girls. Their favourite punts. Their biggest punting regrets. Meanwhile, they don’t even know you exist.
Step 5: Slide into DMs only
Forget the threads. The true art of lurking is dropping a random PM after six months of silence, asking for “recommendations bro.”
Step 6: Quote knowledge like a veteran
In rare moments when you do post, flex with: “Oh yeah, I read about that months ago.” Never share how or where. Keep your lurking mystique.
Step 7: Keep your legend alive
Disappear for weeks. Reappear at 3 AM. Lurk on. Repeat. You are eternal.
If you’ve made it this far and not reacting, congratulations, you’ve graduated from Lurkers University. Celebratory dinner will be held in silence, naturally.
